Taking Sides
by rwusydney
Summary: Post "A Dark Turn." Sydney learns of her mother’s betrayal and makes a choice.


**Taking Sides by rwusydney**

Rating:  PG

Spoilers/Timeline:  Takes place directly after "A Dark Turn."

Summary:  Sydney learns of her mother's betrayal and makes a choice.

Disclaimer:  I own nothing to do with Alias.  This is purely for my own enjoyment.

Ship:  Sydney/Vaughn

Special thanks to Faith who is both an awesome writer and an awesome beta.

*****

I'm not sure how long we sit side by side with his four months worth of research scattered on the bar in front of us but it feels like forever.  There's an awkward silence filling the bar and I know that I should say something but I'm at a loss for words, nothing seems appropriate for this particular moment.  I feel an entire spectrum of emotions as I sit here; not the least of which is guilt.  I feel guilty because I'm relieved that his attempts to find something on my mother were futile.  I feel guilty because I doubted him and because I can't help but look at him without feeling a sense of pity.  I feel guilty for not realizing how much my mother's presence has affected him.  I feel guilty because my mother murdered his father. 

His pager and my cell phone go off at the same time and my heart stalls for a second as I realize we're probably being called in to the agency to be officially charged.  As he reaches for his pager, I grab his hand.

"Wait.  Let's ignore them," I beg him and he seems confused when he looks me in the eye.  I hit a button and send my phone call to voicemail.  "Let's go somewhere.  Just you and me.  I want to talk to you.  I know you don't think there's anything to say but…I'd like to hear about your father."

As if my words physically hurt him, he lets go of my hand, breaks eye contact and reaches for his pager to quiet it.  "From what you say I'm already in enough trouble.  It's probably not a great idea for me to blow them off."  He gathers all his research, gets up from the barstool and heads for the exit.

Quickly I follow him and once outside I race to cut him off.  "Vaughn, please don't shut me out.  You told me the other day that I should never apologize on my mother's behalf but you're making me feel like I killed your father!"

"Look, maybe this is just something we can't discuss.  You can't understand it."

I take a step back from him.  "I _want to understand it.  Maybe you're not giving me enough credit here."_

"She's your mother and you feel the same way about her that I feel about my father.  I can't ask you to hate her even though I want you to.  I want you to be on my side."

It's like a kick in the gut hearing those words because I finally understand where he's coming from.  And the words he wants to hear me say back, _I am on your side_, are exactly the words I can't say.  Because, truthfully, where I am is exactly in the middle and I can't choose a side.  Especially not when just hours ago she told me she loved me and I wanted very much to return the sentiment.

His pager goes off and he quiets it again.  "Syd, I gotta go."  He makes his way around me and heads for his car.  I fall into step beside him. ****

"I'm so sorry Vaughn.  I don't know what to say."

He opens the car door.  "I know.  You're in the worst possible position and I've put you there.  I'm sorry but this is why I didn't want to talk about it."  He gets in, pulls the car door shut, and turns the key in the ignition; I feel sick to my stomach.  

This is worse than seeing him near death twice.  At least the first time there was that fire extinguisher that gave me one last hope and the second time there was the antidote and Sloane's life.  Now I have nothing.  The window is down and I place my hands on the door frame hoping to somehow hold the car in place, prevent him from driving off.  

I lean down and he is looking straight ahead.  I'm crying now and through a mess of tears I say, "I wish you wouldn't leave things like this." ****

"I don't know what else either of us can say.  And, besides, I'm in hot water with the agency.  Thanks for giving me the heads up, by the way."  He puts his hand on the gear shift so I back off.  He shoots me a quick look before driving away.  

I'm left standing in the middle of the parking lot crying and feeling completely desperate.  I wander over to my own car and get inside.  I lean my head against the steering wheel and think about all the ways I should've or could've handled the situation differently.  

I should've told him that, in my mind, my mother is not the woman who killed his father.  My mother is the woman who took me ice skating when I was five and the woman who told me wonderful bedtime stories and answered my million ridiculous, childish questions.  My mother is the woman who broke my heart when she died in a car accident.  That woman is Laura Bristow and my feelings for her are clear cut and never questioned. 

Irina Derevko is another story.  She is a traitor, a murderer and a home wrecker.  I could list a number of reasons why I don't trust the woman but it pains me to admit that I could find a way to forgive her all of those sins if she continues down the road she is currently on.  But this afternoon, watching Vaughn's face as he frantically described the research he'd been doing and the way he felt having to work so closely with his father's killer, I discovered that hurting Michael Vaughn is one thing for which I cannot forgive Irina Derevko.

My cell phone rings and I sit up, pull it from my pocket and check the caller ID.  It's my father's cell.

"Hi Dad."

"Sydney.  I've been trying to call you.  Your mother…Irina Derevko has taken the Rambaldi manuscript and joined forces with Sloane."

I grab the steering wheel so tight my knuckles turn white.  "Excuse me?"

"I'm on my way home from Panama now.  We've lost her.  Kendall has checked for the manuscript and it's gone.  I wanted to be the first to tell you…" his voice trails off and I recognize the tired, weary tone from the night he told me of my mother's accident.

"There must be some explanation.  Vaughn has been checking up on her for months and found nothing.  This can't be right."  Suddenly I'm crying again, or maybe I never stopped. 

"I warned you of the possibility that this might happen.  You have to get yourself together, Sydney.  The enemy as it stands now is stronger than the Alliance ever was."

"I have to go," I say through a sob.  I hit the end button and turn the phone off completely.

I am overwhelmed by that fact that even after twenty-two years and all we have been through together, my father is still the same unfeeling man.  Better than anyone, my father knows how this feels but he can't bring himself to express it, and I know that _she did that to him.  She hasn't just deprived me of a mother but a father too._

I've always said that the life of a double agent is filled with loneliness.  I haven't been a double agent for a few weeks now but this moment is the most alone I have ever felt.  I suppose I can thank her for that as well.

I wipe the tears from my face viciously and start the car.  I probably shouldn't drive in this condition but I have to get to Vaughn now.  I can tell him with sincere honesty that I'm on his side.  My mother died twenty-two years ago and, if I have anything to say about it, Irina Derevko will be dead within a month.


End file.
